COVID-19 fucking ruined everything for 2020.

This was supposed to be MY year!!!!!

This will be my first post in a while and for that I am sorry. I’ve just not been in a place where I felt that I could write. I knew my views were skewed and I feared that is just wouldn’t make any fucking sense. Know what I mean? Just a minute ago I was sitting on the newly painted front porch* and wanted to just start writing, let the words vomit out of my mouth so to speak.

PS. This will be the first and only time I will say “the F word” this many times. It just happened to turn into my “2020 word” and even my cell stopped changing it to “duck”! So my cell even acknowledges defeat in trying to sway me from cussing.

I’m so fucking pissed off at how this year has unfolded. (I actually just stopped writing right this moment to put my hair up, like I was about to give some good head.) Yes, I am in a mood. You’ve been warned.

So, over a year ago, seventeen months ago I moved in with my partner, into His home which is now Our home. Having children it’s a hard change and things went painfully slow for them but now they are adjusting great and I’m so proud of how far they have come. So fucking proud. They show me how grown up they are every day. Time moves to fast these days.

Actually I don’t even usually know what day it is anymore. I just know it ends in “Y”.

The divorce was taking a bit of time because I was having things added in back in February when we could officially file, then COVID shut everything down, making ME still MARRIED. The courts just opened this month and the mediation the court mandates was done over Zoom. Is this the new normal? It’s June and I’m still married living with my partner. No, not awkward at all. Why would you think that?

Then I promised two of my kids that I’d do whatever it took to get US tickets to the concert of the fucking year! I wasn’t joking. The oldest had a plan and taught me the plan and the day those tickets went on sale we were fucking on it trying to get in line. Then waiting in line. Hour after hour, not realizing the site had crashed so we were waiting for it come back online and when it did those numbers went down fast, I was a fucking wreck and the kid is crying thinking we aren’t going to get tickets then I’m secretly crying to my partner I’m going to let my kids down after I promised them tickets to see that concert when we were next in line and I was able to buy US THREE TICKETS!!!!!!!! You see, their birthdays were at the beginning of the year and the only thing they wanted were those tickets if a tour came close, one did, so for their birthdays, they were going to see their favorite band, something that they would remember for the rest of their lives.

Like if I had seen Madonna as a teenager, OMFG, I would still be talking about Vogue and how beautiful she was and how I’d wish she’d stop having plastic surgery because now she doesn’t even look like MY Madonna anymore. You get my drift.

So we scored THREE tickets to see BTS! If you say you don’t know them I will have to rethink our impending friendship. The kids were super excited. I was super excited. We all have our favorites. One likes V a lot and the other likes Suga a lot. Me? You ask. Oh, I have a favorite too. He likes older women. His words, not mine. He’s like 27 and I’m 46 so that makes me older. Right? Please don’t burst my bubble or pee in my cornflakes. Let me just have this one fucking thing!! Okay?? Worldwide Handsome is my favorite and I will be making a

“Marry me Jin!”

sign for the concert. Don’t judge. Okay, judge all you want because I don’t care. I think I’ll use every hashtag related to them so maybe Jin will get the message and give me a shoutout. Again, don’t ruin my parade! Give me just this one!!! Thank you.

Then the concert was postponed and with how things are going I just don’t know when they would or could even think about rescheduling anytime soon. FUCK YOU COVID!

Of course, now I’m thinking how I’m going to explain, returning home from a concert engaged to a man who mostly speaks Korean and I don’t speak ANY Korean, to my partner. That might be something you want to check back on. I tease. #BTS #BTSJIN #MARRYMEJIN #IPURPLEJIN #DONTPOPMYBUBBLE

Please ARMY if you happen to come across this please know I am teasing. I love all of the boys in the band and the message they give to everyone. I am so glad my kids introduced me to them. I just don’t want the BTS ARMY upset because they take their BTS seriously. Me, I do too, but I am the class clown so I have to add my spin to things. #HESAIDHELIKEDOLDER and #IWENTWITHIT

So not only am I still married, I am going to marry my partner, and ask a K-Pop star to marry me. Gotta have goals. #2020GOALS

Back on March 17th, yes I know the exact date, I got the plague. It started with a headache for two days then a fever for every day for three weeks as I cried and screamed begging God for mercy. I’m not joking. I was sick for over a month and even posted about it. My flu test was negative in March. My COVID test was negative also taken in March. I recently took the antibody test and it came back negative. I am in shock because I thought I had survived COVID at home in misery. Thank you my amazing partner for taking care of me. FUCK YOU COVID!

Then a family emergency happened and COVID kept me from going to the hospital where I was needed. (Private moment.) Just know I was deeply upset that I couldn’t be where I was needed. It hurts my heart. Fuck you COVID.

What have I been doing to stay sane you ask? Define sane. Well, I’ve currently put together a total of 11,500 puzzle pieces since recovering from the plague. I’ve been working on this shit puzzle my partner gave me for my birthday. It’s not a shit puzzle. It’s a beautiful puzzle with lots of snow, trees, leaves, mountains, clouds, and a huge castle. It’s my first panoramic puzzle and it’s only 2000 pieces. I started it on June 1 but haven’t been giving it my full attention, there was The Porch Project*, doing another 1000 piece puzzle, hospital emergency, mixed with an anxiety cocktail. Voila.

I’m going to be fucking brutal with you. At times I am barely hanging on. I feel like I’m drowning. At times I let my mind release and float. Sometimes my head goes under the water and sometimes I never emerge from under the water. Not in some suicidal way. Just when I take my bath, it is my safe haven. I know I am alone and can explore me. Water has always played a big part in my life. I had a near-drowning experience that I can remember as a child. I love being in the water, hearing the ocean, being enveloped by it. I will push myself with how long I can hold my breath as my face is underwater. We have a big tub so when I’m under the water it’s actually quiet in my head.

My point is that it’s okay to be barely hanging on. We are dealing with some serious shit. A pandemic that is only getting worse with each passing day. I see no relief in sight. I hope I am wrong, very wrong when I say that.

I won’t even go political.

Now I’m living the dream. My partner has been working from home since the beginning of March and the kids have been doing that work from home on laptop school thing since then too. Now that school is over so I have these three extra people in my space. Two of them extremely bored.

Twitch. It’s all becoming clear now as I’m taking notes for my psychiatrist appointment tomorrow. I can’t sleep from weird anxiety-filled dreams and I’m anxious so now I’m in some spring cleaning mood. Dear Lord, I hope it doesn’t last as long as the plague did. My partner probably hopes that too. Oh, Honey, I need you to do something for me…

AGAIN, FUCK YOU COVID!!!!

2020 was supposed to be “MY FUCKING YEAR”!

Thanks for fucking it up.

That was called sarcasm.

Stay safe out there. Wash your hands. Wear a mask if you choose. Just be safe. Without a doubt stay KINKY!

Love,
Sid

*The Porch Project shall never be spoken about again after this post. Let’s just say that I’ll fucking never ever paint a front door, two wooden rocking chairs, and white railing again for the rest of my life. COVID I fucking hate you.